All I want for Christmas is…

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December 17, 2015 by unclespike218

Yeah, another Christmas post, like the millions that are springing up this time of year.

I woke up fine today. Snow everywhere after our storm a few days ago, and I’m grateful to myself from those days ago that I got bored on my snow day and just went out and shoveled the crap out of it so we have a clear driveway and sidewalks. And on my way in to work this morning, I put Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on repeat, because…well, why did it take me so long to discover this gem? I don’t even care for Ms. Glitter typically, but what a fun, festive song! Still, it did kinda bring me down and make me wistful.

It’s a supremely weird Christmas this year. Mr. Man’s mom wants to hold it at her assisted living home the weekend before Christmas in large part because she became very frightened last year coming into our house and leaving because she is basically wheelchair-bound. We have a few high steps leading to our house; it ain’t exactly handicapped-friendly. We will be holding an orphan Christmas Eve dinner, but that was planned before we found out about the change of Christmas plans. So now…Christmas is potentially a non-event. My family is having Christmas away this year…M&D are in Hawaii, my sister and her family are staying in North Carolina, and my brother is visiting his wife’s family in Bakersfield. But even if we were holding Christmas together, I possibly wouldn’t go, because of the painful snubbing Mr. Man got last year.

On top of that, I’ve been in a mood these past few months to clean out the clutter in my office and my closet. When you do that, you’re not exactly welcoming new stuff, and as such, Mr. Man has been at a loss for the first time in years as to what to get me for Christmas.

And beyond that, it’s no secret that I’ve been getting bigger and bigger for years, and last year, it finally got to the point where he is no longer interested in me sexually. (In a cruel twist, he too is getting bigger…and more enticing for me, which frustrates me all the more.) Me, I’m happy with my size…and I think sometime soon, I may say “enough.” But that’s far beyond what Mr. Man wants. We spend so much time doing different things, we have such different interests…and more to the point, I feel like I’m caught in a life that is so different from what I could be doing…one that would be so much more exciting and fulfilling…and if I’m fulfilled with my life, I’d imagine that would automatically spill over into others’ lives. Otherwise, it just feels like a wasted life.

Whenever Mr. Man is out of town (which happens on a regular basis now, whether for work or play), my body takes it as a sign to let go and do what it likes. So I relax for a few days, and gradually begin to create my life again until he returns. Then it gets put back on hold. But the letting go takes longer and comes more gradually nowadays than it used to, which I find a bit concerning. I think back to when I called it quits on my last relationship back nearly fifteen years ago, and how I went through a few months of going fetal and self-soothing before I was ready to hit the town again…and even then, I handily snubbed a rather dashing potential paramour who went from “Hi” to “Can I sleep with you?” in an unexpected 45 seconds because of anxiety. (I found out later that he was rather adept in bed and quite the well-hung lover. Drat.)

So…what do I do? How do I handle this conundrum? Mariah is happy to sing “All I want for Christmas is you…” Me, I’m not sure what I want for Christmas…in many ways. Or if I am, I’m not sure how to get it.


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